The Gift I Give To Me-Less F*cks To Give

This year has been freaking crazy, to say the least. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t even had a second to breathe. My most important priority this past year? Me.

I want to say it was unashamed. But that would be a lie. There were times I had Mommy guilt when I worked on my business instead of hanging with my kids. There were times I argued with my husband because I spend so much time working on my business.

But this coaching gig, coaching people, and getting coached, has taught me more about myself than any other endeavor, ever.
I’ve put in the work; things haven’t worked, I’ve cried, I’ve learned, I’ve almost quit, I’ve kept going, almost quit again, and kept going. Doing something I’ve never done before, I know nothing about, and wanting so badly has forced me to look at me square in the face on many occasions. The no bullshit, you have only yourself to answer to, kind of face to face interactions.

I like me now more than than I ever have before — all of me. The extra 30lbs me. The stubborn me, the perfectionist and judgmental me. The hardheaded, proud to a fault, grudge-holding, confrontational AF, do not DARE f*ck with my kids or my family, mama honey badger me. The idealistic, old school, unrealistic expectations me. I love all those versions of me (even if they sometimes get me in trouble).

I also love the big-hearted, insanely loyal, hard-working, courageous, determined, intelligent, tenacious, word-smithing, proud mama, fiercely feminine, badass wife, and I will coach the shit out of you, me.

The self-confidence that comes with accepting and loving me for me has allowed me to work harder, take more risks, and be more courageous than I ever have before in my life, which is awesome in and of itself. But the compound effect of doing this work, working on me, has allowed me the freedom of giving fewer f*cks.

Loving me and knowing me has allowed me to stop worrying about what other people love or don’t love about me. It’s seriously crazy. I have always had a polarizing personality. People love me or hate me. There is no in-between. I’ve known this for a long time. I used to acknowledge it with a sort of “fuck you” attitude. And now it’s more of a “that’s fine, sometimes I don’t like me either,” vibe.

Now I worry about me instead of everyone else. What I mean is, I used to get so wrapped up in worrying about what the Anti-Billiejos were thinking about me. I’d try to morph and twist and turn myself into what I thought I should be. It felt awful. And it was a pointless endeavor because I can’t control what other people think. So now I worry about me. How I’m feeling, how I want to feel, how I want to show up in the world, and how to make that happen. I take responsibility for my emotions and my actions, REGARDLESS of how other people behave. Am I perfect at this? Hell No. Have I gotten better? Much. And it’s mother fucking liberating.

You can’t control other people, people. You think you can, but you can’t. So stop trying because it will only make you feel crazy when they don’t comply, and they’re not going to. Can you influence people? Yes. Are you more likely to get more bees with honey? Yes. But it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you when the bees don’t show up. So if you’re not the kind of bee that digs my honey? Zero f*cks.

I’ve owned my human, flawed parts. The compound effect? I’m more accepting and patient with other people when they show their human, flawed parts. We really cannot recognize in others what we don’t see within ourselves. That means the goods stuff and the bad stuff.
Being kinder, more loving, and accepting of my flaws has 100% resulted in me being more compassionate, more loving, and accepting of others. Being less critical, judgmental, and rigid toward myself has 100% allowed me to be less critical, judgmental, and inflexible with others. But if you’re incapable or unwilling to do the same for me, I’m moving on. No resentment, no bitterness, just zero f*cks.

And I’m not doing this work because I’m some sort of enlightened, holier than though, selfless, Mother Theresa type. I’m doing it because it freaking FEELS BETTER. It feels good to like the person that I am. It feels good to be more patient with my kids and husband. It feels good to open myself up to people I would have previously shut out. It feels good to be more compassionate and understanding to others. It feels good to stop worrying so much about what everyone else MIGHT be thinking. It feels good to give fewer f*cks. Merry Christmas Me, you’re welcome.

I see you. I know you see me.

I see you. I know you see me. I used to be afraid of being seen. I was scared of people judging me. I was worried about what they would say about me. I was afraid of people looking for my cracks, my weaknesses, and my flaws to prey upon. They knew I had them. I knew I had them too.

I remember being so afraid of what everyone who knew “pre-life coach” Billiejo would say about me. That I’m a fraud. That Life Coaching is a joke. That I have no right to call myself an expert in anything. That my life was messy, so how dare I tell anyone else what to do with theirs? And that I’ve been a pretty big asshole at times in my life, so what makes me any better than anyone else now?

All those judgments were really just things I thought about myself. I discovered the only way around them was to own the parts of them that were true. Like I always say to my clients, when you own your shit, no one else can hold it against you.

Initially, I felt like a fraud because I was one. I was running from my own hurt and issues related to being in a blended family instead of facing them. When I confronted them, it gave me some agency over them and allowed me to step into authenticity. My life is messy some times. But show me someone whose life isn’t? My ability to navigate my mess and own my messiness is why my clients love me. And Life Coaching is no joke. It’s completely transformed every aspect of my life. It’s transformed me. Because I continue to be an expert in the transformation of my own life, I can help my clients achieve the same change in theirs.

And yes, I’ve been a pretty big asshole many times in my life. I’ve been an asshole stepmom, I’ve been an asshole biomom, an asshole wife, and an asshole ex-wife. But I’m not claiming to be perfect. I am painfully aware of my imperfections. I am claiming to be human. What’s changed is that I’m working on owning all of my asshole tendencies so I can be a little less asshole each day.

Byron Katie says every judgment is really just a projection, something we see within ourselves and recognize in someone else. We do not recognize in others what we do not also see within ourselves. So umm, when you call your ex inconsiderate, it’s because there’s a little part of you that recognizes you can be inconsiderate too. Or when you call your husband’s Ex “high conflict,” it’s because you can tend to be confrontational also. I’m not gonna lie, that one hit me in the face the first time I thought about it.

And, have you ever noticed that when passing judgments, we tend to demonstrate the behavior we are judging the other person for? Calling someone judgmental is, in fact, a judgment. You tell your husband how rude and careless he is for leaving a mess around the house. And by calling him things like “rude” and “careless,” you are, in essence being rude and uncaring. Or when you fill your girlfriends in about that bitch at work, you can’t stand? You are, in reality, being bitchy also. Well shit, knock me off my high horse.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve judged others as harshly as they’ve judged me. I’m not proud of it. And I’m still not without judgment today. We are humans. We judge. I am human. I judge. But again, what I’ve realized is there is no one judging me harder than I judge myself. Owning and appreciating my own flaws helps me be more compassionate and less judgmental of others’ flaws. I will continue to work on being less judgmental because I know how it feels to be judged, and because the only person judging others hurts is me.