YOU 2.0

One of my favorite questions lately for my clients and myself has been, “What would the future you do?” Especially when I’m feeling stuck in inaction and “I don’t wanna.” When Netflix and popcorn sound WAY better than writing a blog or when my clients are stuck in, “I don’t know what to do!” I simply ask, “what would the future you do?” It’s pretty incredible how much wisdom you can mine from your future self. Sometimes it’s easy to get so stuck in the drama of here and now, it clouds the vision of where you are going.

But for real, think about the YOU, you wish you could be. The you who has it all together. What would that bitch do?

The badass who knows who she is, what she’s worth, and oozes confidence. Does she allow her ex to curse at her and call her names? Does she stalk his facebook and his new girl? Hell. No.

The woman who lost the 30lbs and kept it off. Does she complain about meal prep? Does she buffer with food? Does she hit snooze instead of working out? She sure doesn’t.

The woman who is knocking it out of the park at work and nailed that promotion. Does she get distracted by her boss’s pettiness? Does she worry about what everyone else is getting that she’s not? Nope, that chick is busy making shit happen.

Future me isn’t afraid of failing, even though I’m terrified. Future me is a fantastic coach who makes me coach courageously now. Future me cheers me on when I’m scared, so I do the scary thing anyway. Future me made me write this blog because she keeps her commitments to her people and herself. Future me knows there is someone out there who needs me, right now, so she won’t let current me quit.

So I dare you to ask yourself, what does the future you look like? How does YOU 2.0 think, act, and feel? What would they do if they were in your shoes? What would they think when they heard “no?” How do they act when things get hard, or they get uncomfortable?
If you want to become YOU 2.0, you have to start thinking and acting like that person RIGHT now. You have to start living from that place, NOW. This means making decisions based on where you want to go, NOT on where you have been. Give it a try. You can do it. Future me and future you, believe in you.

Still need some more cheering on? Not sure how to channel your future wisdom? Let’s chat! Schedule a free 45 coaching consult now! Go on, do it! Your transformation is waiting!

Pleasure or Pain?

My husband made a joke yesterday about my cranky demeanor this week. I didn’t think it was funny. Actually, it hurt my feelings. I’m not sure if you can tell based on my blogs, but this chick doesn’t do vulnerability. So what initially registered as hurt quickly turned into anger. I didn’t say anything at the time because my coach’s brain told me that they were just words, and I was the one making it mean something about me. But my wife brain was pissed! My mind went from “Love you, have a good day,” to “Bitch, I will cut you.” From one. Single. Sentence.

My thought work focused entirely on my reaction to that one sentence. I worked through all the things I was making it mean (my needs aren’t important, there’s something wrong with me) and the feelings associated with it (hurt, anger) and how these feelings made me show up in my marriage (distant, disconnected, and wait for it…..selfish). Obviously not what I wanted to create in my relationship based on a series of words strung together in an attempt at humor.

I knew I had a choice. I could stay pissed off, stew all day long, blame him, and perpetuate my misery (let’s be honest, our misery). Or I could cut the shit and choose a different way to view the entire scenario that would not only feel better but also serve my marriage (your welcome, husband).

So I decided to write a list of the reasons I believe Chris (the husband) is a better partner than I am because honestly, there are many times he is. What ensued was an interesting stream of thoughts and realizations (in no logical order, so just stay with me). My list started with how Chris is beyond patient with me and my OCD, do it my way, my way is the only way-ness. I’ve never met someone so dedicated to doing the work in relationship the way he is. He fights for me (and therefore us) harder than anyone ever has. He’s always super affectionate and loving to me (even when I resist it). At this point, my brain was like, “Whoa, wait. Why DO you resist his affection so much?” “Well, because then I feel like I’m giving in and he wins. Also, it makes me feel vulnerable, and I really hate feeling vulnerable”, I replied to my brain. And then my mind was like “Hey dummy when you feel connected with your husband; you win too. And affection feels good to YOU TOO. So you’re continuing to fight this, why?” It was at that moment I realized it’s because the discomfort of disconnect, distance, and emotional isolation feels more familiar and therefore EASIER than the joy/pleasure that comes from affection, connection, and love through intimacy. Because disconnect has become more natural for me, my brain told me it was safer, even though it causes me SUFFERING. I was literally choosing pain over pleasure because the pain was more familiar. Mind. Blown.

This is why we don’t apologize; blame instead of taking responsibility, and fight changing. Because our current state of discomfort is so familiar, we become blind to it. We stop even recognizing it as uncomfortable. Even when relief or pleasure is an available option, we continue to choose the discomfort that is familiar to us because it’s easier. This is why our friends in shitty relationships don’t leave. Shitty becomes their new normal, and leaving seems harder than staying.

How many times have you held a grudge against your partner for like a week, because you didn’t want to let it go? Even though making up would be so much easier and would require so much less energy than giving them the nonstop cold shoulder and perpetuating the tension. How many times have you blamed your boss for ruining your day? Only to walk around as Ms. Pissy Pants all damn day when you could have easily let that shit go and moved on. Because blame is easier than taking responsibility for your emotions.

In the same way, it’s “easier” for me to “protect myself” with emotional isolation and avoidance of vulnerability. Even though accepting the love, affection, and connection offered by my husband would be so much easier and for sure feels way better. As Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.” I intend to do better, especially when it actually feels better.

 

Ready to step away from easy and choose change? Then let’s do it! Schedule that 45 minute coaching consult, already!

If it’s meant to be, it’ll be easy.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be easy.” I used to tell myself this about everything: relationships, jobs, friendships. Anytime things got hard, and I didn’t want to be uncomfortable anymore, this was my goto excuse. But the fact is, the shiny always wears off. The adrenaline from excitement will come to an end, and the oxytocin of the honeymoon period will fade. Reality will always set in, and this is when we’ll want to bail. We don’t realize that THIS is when the magic happens. Not when things are shiny and new and “natural,” but when things get hard and uncomfortable and feel like a struggle. We choose ease, comfort, and sameness. Or we accept the challenge of discomfort that comes with growth.

When things become difficult (and they will), it doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong. It just means you’ve reached the fork in the road and it’s time to choose. You can listen to your brain and the old familiar thoughts that cause the same actions/reactions that perpetuate the misery, “They’re just difficult. It’s not my fault. I’ve tried.” Or you can take a minute to recognize that “difficult” is just presenting you with the opportunity to make a new choice. And different won’t necessarily mean easy, but it will mean you get to create the change you’ve been so badly longing for.

For me, this means accepting my husband’s apology when I’d rather just stay mad. Or catching myself when I’m trying to “win” an argument, instead of addressing the actual issue at hand (and oh man, do I love to win). It means staying calm when my hormonal tween daughter has a meltdown that I don’t understand. It means going out of my way to engage and be loving to my stepdaughter, even when she’s icy and standoffish. It means initiating the conversation with my stepkids’ moms, making a conscious effort to be civil, regardless of what’s happened in the past. These choices are not always the easiest ones, but they foster the life I want to create and am therefore willing to take responsibility for. And I choose to make these choices over and over and over again.

Are you having a hard time connecting with your stepkids? Then figure out how you’re behaving that causes a disconnect. What can YOU do to communicate with them on their level? EVEN when it doesn’t work the first time. Are you tired of always fighting with your ex or his? Then figure out what you’re doing to fuel the conflict. What can YOU do to encourage peace? When are YOU fighting to win versus focusing on what’s best for the child? When have you chosen to confront versus letting it go? Relationships, marriage, work, life, can all be hard. But sometimes choosing easy, actually makes it harder.

Are you struggling to know where or how to begin? Let me help! Schedule your free 45-minute coaching consult and let me show you how to start transforming your relationships right this very second!